Honesty is the best policy?

Remember when we were young? Our parents taught us not to steal, cheat and especially lie to others. Our parents always told us to tell the truth always, especially if you were caught doing some illegal stuff and it's better to confess truthfully than to lie. If not, our parents would come out with some superstitions mumbo-jumbo stuff saying that our nose would grow longer if we lie like Pinocchio in the fairy tales.

However, as we grow older, the truth seems to take a back seat. Our parents tell us not to tell the truth to others, especially if the other party could not handle it. Why not, we asked during our teens? Why can't we tell our Aunt Betty that she is too ugly or tell Uncle George to go and take a shower because he stinks up the room? No, our parents said, "It's rude to insult other people and it's not courteous." Eh...so it's courteous for them to make a stench in the room and not courteous for us to just tell them the truth?

During our interview, the advice given would be to always blow your own trumpet...even if you don't have one. Tell your interviewers that you did a lot of impressive stuffs as written in your resume, have lots of experience when you have none, or even boost about your personality and your interest for the job when you don't even like it.

Why it is that people can't handle the truth when it is shoved right to them? Why, as we grow older, try to hide the truth with many layers of facade instead of just being upfront about it? Why we can't tell our bosses how we actually feel being overworked instead of just grimacing and complaining behind their backs?

I know it's difficult to tell someone the truth or even difficult for someone to handle the truth. I remembered during the times when I was still in NS working as a clerk and there was one female admin supervisor who is the worst person that anyone would work with. She played office politics shrewdly and use her skills such as apple polishing to win over her superiors. However, when dealing with her own subordinates and fellow colleagues, she acted as if she is the boss and wants to do things her way and sometimes even got into arguments with them over minor issues. To her superiors, she is the role model worker that anyone could ask her for. To her subordinates, she is the wicked witch of the East who will always create trouble in the office when there is none. I suppose, as everyone might suggest, is to keep my mouth shut and just worked under her. But no, I told her bluntly the truth that she is a hypocrite. She said that I was rude and insubordinate to her and threatened to report me.

I guess in our life, truth is something that we want to hide from others. Sometimes, we lie to our friends to prevent them from hurting. Sometimes we tell a white lie to our parents to prevent them from worrying. Other times, our parents lie to us so that we could have a better childhood than they had. Or perhaps protect us from the societal problems and issues that we innocently do not know. During school, our teachers lie so as to encourage us to study better and be more optimistic. In working life, we lie to our bosses so as to retain our jobs. Our bosses lie to us so as to ensure that we keep working under them. We have an American President who lied to his fellow citizens so as to engage a war. The world today we lived in as all a pack of lies. It is like a deck of cards stacking up to form a pyramid at the top. Who will be the one who will pull a card from the base, causing the whole foundation to crash down?

The light of the truth can be harsh to those who have been in the dark. During the olden times, Plato wrote about prisoners who lived their whole lives in a cave and were chained in place. Sometimes a fire will be there which throws shadows against the wall in front of them. That's all they ever see during the time in prison. They have no reason to believe there's more to the world. However when they are released and stepped out into the light for the first time, their eyes hurt. Once they adjusted to the light, then they found reason to hope for better future. Yes, sometimes, truth hurts. No, in fact truth always hurts. However, once we are adjusted to the truth, we will find it more acceptable to deal with it. So it's up to us to turn on the switch so that others may see the truth of light...yup even though it hurts initially.

Moving On

How do we move on and continue our life when we experienced a tragedy? How do we move on after we broke up our relationships with our loved ones? Or we lost our loved ones? Sometimes, it can easy to for an outsider to tell us to move on and get over it. However, unless they are in our shoes and experience the same experience, they will never truly know how we feel.

I remember going to a psychologist seeking counsel on moving on and recovering. I told her that I want to move on as quickly as possible without getting stuck in limbo mourning over the loss of my dad and my friend. I even lied to her that I am moving on after the death of my friend which happened in Apr 2005. Instead, the psychologist said that I should take time to mourn for my loss ones and slowly move on, instead of quickening the process. However, I don't want too. Why? Coz it hurts like hell. Why can't I move on with my life as quickly as possible? What am I still in the limbo mourning over my late father's death? It happened over 6 mths, get over it...MOVE ON!!

Now, every decision I made, I will be remembered of my dad. I tried to go for a holiday in Taiwan recently to forget my dad and try to move on. (I will post the pics later). Here I am in Taiwan, trying to enjoy my vacation and relaxing my time there. Instead, I can't enjoy my vacation fully with flashes of my dad's images and words going through my mind every time. Every where I go, every tourist attractions I see, my father's images and memories will come flashing through my mind like a slideshow...I will accidentally imagined him talking to me in Taiwan. Perhaps, it is because my father had his honeymoon with my mum that brought all these sub-conscious memories to full view in my mind. It seems that my father was there with me in Taiwan trying to talk to me; I tried hard to ignore him and failed.

Now after 6 mths, it is difficult for me to move on. Often, I will delude myself thinking that I am all right but then my friends will see through my masked expressions. I was kinda shocked to hear from my friend once when we were having BBQ at East Coast. He took a picture of me and remarked that it's the first time since I laughed or smiled since the tragedy. Wow, even I had not even noticed that. In Starbucks, the barristas are encouraged to smile and initiate conversations with the customers. How can I smile at them and strike a conversation?

"Hi! How are you? My father had just died and I am supposed to be smiling and talking to you…so wat's up?"

Even the smiles that I wore seem to be plastered and fake that my colleagues keep on asking me if I am all right. I swear, if anyone is going to ask me again, I will wring their necks off...I think I am slowly going over to the dark side...

I will be going to the university later. I thought of going to their orientation camps and make more friends. However, something is pulling me back. It seems that I am trying to swim away from the tornado of my depressed feelings and instead, I am slowly getting sucked into it How can I be cheerful and enthusiastic to make more friends where I still haven't resolved my dark side within me? I wanted to live in the university halls too but I can't find myself to live there since my dad passed away. Before the incident, I thought that I will attend the orientation camps and live at the halls, enjoying my university life with my friends that I make. Now, it seems that my life has drastically changed. I can't live in the hall anymore without worrying about my family back home. Perhaps, I can't even enjoy the orientation camp without worrying about my family too. My senior friend at the university keeps on asking me to join the orientation camp but I can't. I am afraid as I know that I haven't moved on since my father passed away. My feelings are bottled and I am afraid that they will explode during the camp.

Why is it that I take so long to move on? I want to move on to continue with my life but I am in limbo. Everywhere I go, even at the streets of Singapore, I will be reminded of my father who drove me there in his van in the past. Memories and flashes of his images will come into the mind which I tried to ignore them. It seems that I have problems moving on. Even in my college days, I have difficulty moving on after the girl I like had found her Mr. Right. I wanted to tell her very much how much I liked her and want to be with her but I couldn't. Instead, her Mr. Right came with his shining armour (or lacked of) and swept her feet away. Even now, I have problems letting go of her even if my friends have advised me so. Moving on seems an impossible task for me to do…I want to forget and move on with my life as quick as possible instead of dwelling and remaining in limbo. How do I move on then? Do I packed my emotions, feelings, memories and images of my father into boxes, locked them up and never opening them again in the future? Or do I acknowledge them and weep a tear everytime when flashes of my father's memories come through my mind. I wish for a day when I can no longer be reminded of my father's memories and images. Perhaps the reason I am having them is guilt; guilt that I could have saved him instead of letting him die. Guilt that I fell asleep instead of staying all night to look after him. Guilt that I dismissed my premonitions and instincts that my father is going to die that night instead of acting on them which could have saved him. Perhaps, when I let go of my guilt and learn to forgive myself, then I can move on.

New job

Today, I started another new job instead of working at the Starbucks. Reason? I didn't get too many shifts during the week. Every time I apply for three or more shifts per week, I always get only one. I guess it is due to low business around the area...guess the new Cathay is slowly losing its business...unless more human crowd can come to the place.

Anyway for the new job, I will be working in the office job (yah!). The job is quite easy to do, just help to fax documents, fold letters into envelope and just type some stuff on the computer. The pay is reasonable too, a bit higher than working at Starbucks. However, I will be working there for only abt 1 mth plus since I will be entering the uni soon...

I guess I have found my ideal temp job...working at the office in the air-conditioned room. Also, I get to work with the office girls there too as I am the only temp guy there...one of girls is quite chio...and one of them talks like Patricia Mok! (no offense there...)

Interview

Interview - the one many of us have to go through to get our dreams like a job or a place in the university.Since I cleared my leave in April, I have been going on the job hunt for a part-time job so that my three months before university will not be wasted. Here are some excerpts of the questions they posed to me.

"Why do you want to work at Starbucks?"

"What do you want to achieve by working here?"

"Is it ok if you are willing to work shift jobs?"

"Any job experience?"

The interview with Starbucks was the most thorough. The interviewer asked a lot of questions which I felt that very exhausted after the interview.

"Describe an experience that you received excellent customer service?" (I sort of cooked up a story - true story but just spiced it up a little)

"Are you willing to work together as a team?" (Er, can you say no?)

"Describe a time where you work together as a team and some conflicts arises. How did you mediate and resolve the conflict?" (I just jibber-jabbered about my project work experience in JC days)

"What if you and your partner had different ideas and how are you going to convince your partners to follow your idea instead of his?" (I really can't remember what I said. Perhaps I think I said that I will compromise and combine two ideas together)

In the end, I got the Starbucks job which I thought I would not be able to get it. Looking back, I think every time I go for an interview, I always have the feeling that I screwed up the interview process and will not be hired...

Then there's one interview which I went to which I didn't even know what is the job I am seeking for.

The interviewer was sitting on the chair while I sat on his sofa.

"So you are looking for a job, is it?"

"Yes. What is the job about?" (kind of stupid question to ask)

"Oh, they send you for training and they pay you around $1k."

"Oh, so what do I have to do?" I suspiciously asked.

"Don't worry. No sales involved. So why do you want to work here?"

"Erm, to get job experience and your place looks vibrant and energetic."

I am not quite sure till now what is the job scope is.

"So what am I working as?"

"Er, we are an advertising company. So we will send you for training where you will work together as a team to brainstorm and solve conflicts. You will learn leadership skills and management skills and we will pay you."

Sounds suspicious. Where on earth does a company give you money to send you for training?

To cut the long story short, I nearly got conned. Luckily my friends went for the same interview and asked him about the jobs. Turns out, they are looking for people to sell charity tickets to raise money for charity as have some commission at the same time.

Wait a minute, isn't that sales? Nope, the interviewer said. You are doing it for charity.

So then, why are we getting a commission for the charity tickets we sold?

I immediately quitted on that day. Luckily I never went for the training courses due to my problem of punctuality. I guess when they mean no sales involved, you have no idea that you might be conned. I have my friends to thank for finding the truth out.

Lost

Loss - The feeling everyone has to do through some point in their life when someone or something is taken away from them. How do we deal with our loss?

Lesss than 2 months, my father passed away suddenly. It happened overnight and suddenly without any notice. It was a hard loss to me at that point in time. Overnight, I was suddenly the Man of the household and had to deal with my family financial situation. How then do I deal with my loss? I could mope around in the house, crying my eyes out mourning for my father. Or I could blame fate for taking my father away. No, I simply go on with my life, remembering my father in my heart and continue to live my life to the fullest.

Some of us deal our loss differently. Some of us try to deny our loss, saying that the loss does not have an effect on their life. Others feel that it is the end of their life. Also, some of them find their own courage during their period of loss and continue to live their life. Whatever it is, there is no denying that the loss of a loved one will evidently have a huge impact on their life.

How then do we move on after our loss? Many times I sometimes dreamt of my father, as if everything is the same as always. I always reminisced the times that my father and I spent together. It is difficult to move on after the loss of a loved one. Often, we feel that time has frozen and we are reliving the horrors of the loss of our loved one. However some time or other, we have to move on. That is where our Friends come in.

What is my future?

Recently, I have begin thinking what will be my future? Will I have a successful career, earning lots of money and be happy? Or will I have a successful family but lack a good career? In the past, I used to think that happiness cannot be brought with money. You cannot take on a job just because the job has high pay and lots of perks. You have to have passion for what you are doing. So I think that I will rather have a career rather than a job. I want to enjoy my work and be passionate about it. Now currently, I hated my job as a admin clerk. Why? It is meaningless and I feel that my brains are rotting from all this stupid work that I am doing. I don't even know the meaning of my work and I can't quit due to contract obligations.

However with recent events, I found out that it is an idealist dream. Do you think that everyone enjoys what he/she is doing? Also, I found out the trade-offs. What if you have low pay for the job that you liked? Will you still take it? Will you work 20 over years of your life for a miserly pay just because you like what you are doing?

So I thought about it a lot. Then I realised that I am an idealist. Idealists are basically dreamers who dream of a better place for the society to live in but is hardly achievable. Why not take a shot at it? So what if the pay is low? The most important thing is the passion for the job that I am doing, right? Finally, I decide to myself that in the future, I want to have a career not a job. I want to have a career which I am passionate about it, which makes me want to get out of bed everyday and work on it. I don't mind if it's low paying or long hours. I want to enjoy what I am doing. After all, life is too short. Seize every moment you can...

Au revoir

Happy New Year...or is it?

So much as happened since the last time I had blogged here. The months of Dec and Jan have been really crazy for me. Here is the list of what happened to my life during the past two months.

Mid-December 05
I went for a little vacation at the east of Singapore. That's rite! I am too broke to go overseas for vacation, so I went to the Aloha chalet with my church friends for one week vacation. The weather was good, so we went to the beach almost everyday. I never imagined that Singapore beaches were that good. I think Singapore beaches are ok, not much of a 'wow' factor as a tourist attraction. However, the sun is been hot during the week, so my friends and I sun-tanned almost everyday. When I returned to work after that, I was so tanned that people will think I went to Phuket for vacation. LOL!!!

Christmas vacation 05
Ok, I went for a minor operation during the Christmas holidays. I know that's sucks coz it's near Christmas. I have to miss my friends Christmas party, miss Christmas Midnight mass. Our church Christmas Midnight mass has always been a yearly affair. My friends and I would buy the lastest fashion in clothes and exchange presents before mass. We would attend the Midnight mass together with our friends. It was a memorable event. Too bad I couldn't make it due to my operation. I had to have my leg operated as I had an extra bone growing. So I have to miss a lot of Christmas holidays and gift exchanges. The upside: I have one month plus of medical leave lasting till the first week of Feb. Not a bad trade-off, come to think about it.

26 December - First anniversary of the Tsunami victims
Just a moment when the world stop whatever it is doing and pay respect to the lives lost during the Tsunami in the year 2004. The Tsunami is the worst disaster in the history where so many lives were lost during the Tsunami in different Asian countries. Now, the survivors have to rebuilt their lives.

The Nightmare of the New Year's Eve and the New Year
Yup, this year New Year Eve wil be my worst time I ever had. Why? This is the day where I will always remember how my father is. My father suddenly died of an acute heart attack in the morning of New Year Eve. The night before, my father went for his New Year party with his colleagues. He got home drunk, intoxicated and a bit unconscious. My sister and I tried to help him to wash him up and clean him. Checking that he is sleeping peacefully, we went to sleep. However, as fate intervened, my father had a heart failure during the middle of the night. I didn't noticed that until the next morning on New Year's Eve at 7.30am in the morning. I woke up to check on him and felt his pulse and breathing. There was none. I quickly called my family and called for the ambulance. However, by the time the paramedics came, the paramedics had pronounced my father to be dead on the spot. It was too late to save him. He was gone. Our family hierarchy suddenly changed. I was the head of the household. I suddenly became the man of the household. My world suddenly collapsed. During the wake, I felt so overwhelmed with this new position that I felt helpless and had no one to talk to. My father was suddenly taken away from me on New Year Eve. I had not even said farewell to him. All the time, I took him for granted, thinking that he will be there tomorrow and the day after. There's so many stuff that I wanted to say to him but couldn't now. It was this moment that I realised that I have become an adult.

Now, everything has more or less settled in my life. I am still having my medical leave. My father has been gone for two weeks. The New Year had been hard on me and our family. I guess now, we couldn't celebrate New Year like we used to anymore. Life has to go on.

Adios for now.

Awful memory

Arghh, I have an awful forgetful memory. I don't know why but I keep on forgetting my password to log in to my blog. I have changed my passewords a number of times already. I hate remembering usernames and passwords. Type it in and forget it moments later. It's so troublesome to retrieve my passwords from the system.

Only solution? Blog more, I guess. Once you blog more, you will log-in more, then you will remember passwords...guess that is the only alternative...

However, the weird thing is that I can remember numbers very clearly. I can remember pple's NRIC no, handphone no etc. I recently took an IQ test. The results stated that I was a visual mathematican. Perhaps I am not forgetful after all...