Moving On

How do we move on and continue our life when we experienced a tragedy? How do we move on after we broke up our relationships with our loved ones? Or we lost our loved ones? Sometimes, it can easy to for an outsider to tell us to move on and get over it. However, unless they are in our shoes and experience the same experience, they will never truly know how we feel.

I remember going to a psychologist seeking counsel on moving on and recovering. I told her that I want to move on as quickly as possible without getting stuck in limbo mourning over the loss of my dad and my friend. I even lied to her that I am moving on after the death of my friend which happened in Apr 2005. Instead, the psychologist said that I should take time to mourn for my loss ones and slowly move on, instead of quickening the process. However, I don't want too. Why? Coz it hurts like hell. Why can't I move on with my life as quickly as possible? What am I still in the limbo mourning over my late father's death? It happened over 6 mths, get over it...MOVE ON!!

Now, every decision I made, I will be remembered of my dad. I tried to go for a holiday in Taiwan recently to forget my dad and try to move on. (I will post the pics later). Here I am in Taiwan, trying to enjoy my vacation and relaxing my time there. Instead, I can't enjoy my vacation fully with flashes of my dad's images and words going through my mind every time. Every where I go, every tourist attractions I see, my father's images and memories will come flashing through my mind like a slideshow...I will accidentally imagined him talking to me in Taiwan. Perhaps, it is because my father had his honeymoon with my mum that brought all these sub-conscious memories to full view in my mind. It seems that my father was there with me in Taiwan trying to talk to me; I tried hard to ignore him and failed.

Now after 6 mths, it is difficult for me to move on. Often, I will delude myself thinking that I am all right but then my friends will see through my masked expressions. I was kinda shocked to hear from my friend once when we were having BBQ at East Coast. He took a picture of me and remarked that it's the first time since I laughed or smiled since the tragedy. Wow, even I had not even noticed that. In Starbucks, the barristas are encouraged to smile and initiate conversations with the customers. How can I smile at them and strike a conversation?

"Hi! How are you? My father had just died and I am supposed to be smiling and talking to you…so wat's up?"

Even the smiles that I wore seem to be plastered and fake that my colleagues keep on asking me if I am all right. I swear, if anyone is going to ask me again, I will wring their necks off...I think I am slowly going over to the dark side...

I will be going to the university later. I thought of going to their orientation camps and make more friends. However, something is pulling me back. It seems that I am trying to swim away from the tornado of my depressed feelings and instead, I am slowly getting sucked into it How can I be cheerful and enthusiastic to make more friends where I still haven't resolved my dark side within me? I wanted to live in the university halls too but I can't find myself to live there since my dad passed away. Before the incident, I thought that I will attend the orientation camps and live at the halls, enjoying my university life with my friends that I make. Now, it seems that my life has drastically changed. I can't live in the hall anymore without worrying about my family back home. Perhaps, I can't even enjoy the orientation camp without worrying about my family too. My senior friend at the university keeps on asking me to join the orientation camp but I can't. I am afraid as I know that I haven't moved on since my father passed away. My feelings are bottled and I am afraid that they will explode during the camp.

Why is it that I take so long to move on? I want to move on to continue with my life but I am in limbo. Everywhere I go, even at the streets of Singapore, I will be reminded of my father who drove me there in his van in the past. Memories and flashes of his images will come into the mind which I tried to ignore them. It seems that I have problems moving on. Even in my college days, I have difficulty moving on after the girl I like had found her Mr. Right. I wanted to tell her very much how much I liked her and want to be with her but I couldn't. Instead, her Mr. Right came with his shining armour (or lacked of) and swept her feet away. Even now, I have problems letting go of her even if my friends have advised me so. Moving on seems an impossible task for me to do…I want to forget and move on with my life as quick as possible instead of dwelling and remaining in limbo. How do I move on then? Do I packed my emotions, feelings, memories and images of my father into boxes, locked them up and never opening them again in the future? Or do I acknowledge them and weep a tear everytime when flashes of my father's memories come through my mind. I wish for a day when I can no longer be reminded of my father's memories and images. Perhaps the reason I am having them is guilt; guilt that I could have saved him instead of letting him die. Guilt that I fell asleep instead of staying all night to look after him. Guilt that I dismissed my premonitions and instincts that my father is going to die that night instead of acting on them which could have saved him. Perhaps, when I let go of my guilt and learn to forgive myself, then I can move on.