Moving On

How do we move on and continue our life when we experienced a tragedy? How do we move on after we broke up our relationships with our loved ones? Or we lost our loved ones? Sometimes, it can easy to for an outsider to tell us to move on and get over it. However, unless they are in our shoes and experience the same experience, they will never truly know how we feel.

I remember going to a psychologist seeking counsel on moving on and recovering. I told her that I want to move on as quickly as possible without getting stuck in limbo mourning over the loss of my dad and my friend. I even lied to her that I am moving on after the death of my friend which happened in Apr 2005. Instead, the psychologist said that I should take time to mourn for my loss ones and slowly move on, instead of quickening the process. However, I don't want too. Why? Coz it hurts like hell. Why can't I move on with my life as quickly as possible? What am I still in the limbo mourning over my late father's death? It happened over 6 mths, get over it...MOVE ON!!

Now, every decision I made, I will be remembered of my dad. I tried to go for a holiday in Taiwan recently to forget my dad and try to move on. (I will post the pics later). Here I am in Taiwan, trying to enjoy my vacation and relaxing my time there. Instead, I can't enjoy my vacation fully with flashes of my dad's images and words going through my mind every time. Every where I go, every tourist attractions I see, my father's images and memories will come flashing through my mind like a slideshow...I will accidentally imagined him talking to me in Taiwan. Perhaps, it is because my father had his honeymoon with my mum that brought all these sub-conscious memories to full view in my mind. It seems that my father was there with me in Taiwan trying to talk to me; I tried hard to ignore him and failed.

Now after 6 mths, it is difficult for me to move on. Often, I will delude myself thinking that I am all right but then my friends will see through my masked expressions. I was kinda shocked to hear from my friend once when we were having BBQ at East Coast. He took a picture of me and remarked that it's the first time since I laughed or smiled since the tragedy. Wow, even I had not even noticed that. In Starbucks, the barristas are encouraged to smile and initiate conversations with the customers. How can I smile at them and strike a conversation?

"Hi! How are you? My father had just died and I am supposed to be smiling and talking to you…so wat's up?"

Even the smiles that I wore seem to be plastered and fake that my colleagues keep on asking me if I am all right. I swear, if anyone is going to ask me again, I will wring their necks off...I think I am slowly going over to the dark side...

I will be going to the university later. I thought of going to their orientation camps and make more friends. However, something is pulling me back. It seems that I am trying to swim away from the tornado of my depressed feelings and instead, I am slowly getting sucked into it How can I be cheerful and enthusiastic to make more friends where I still haven't resolved my dark side within me? I wanted to live in the university halls too but I can't find myself to live there since my dad passed away. Before the incident, I thought that I will attend the orientation camps and live at the halls, enjoying my university life with my friends that I make. Now, it seems that my life has drastically changed. I can't live in the hall anymore without worrying about my family back home. Perhaps, I can't even enjoy the orientation camp without worrying about my family too. My senior friend at the university keeps on asking me to join the orientation camp but I can't. I am afraid as I know that I haven't moved on since my father passed away. My feelings are bottled and I am afraid that they will explode during the camp.

Why is it that I take so long to move on? I want to move on to continue with my life but I am in limbo. Everywhere I go, even at the streets of Singapore, I will be reminded of my father who drove me there in his van in the past. Memories and flashes of his images will come into the mind which I tried to ignore them. It seems that I have problems moving on. Even in my college days, I have difficulty moving on after the girl I like had found her Mr. Right. I wanted to tell her very much how much I liked her and want to be with her but I couldn't. Instead, her Mr. Right came with his shining armour (or lacked of) and swept her feet away. Even now, I have problems letting go of her even if my friends have advised me so. Moving on seems an impossible task for me to do…I want to forget and move on with my life as quick as possible instead of dwelling and remaining in limbo. How do I move on then? Do I packed my emotions, feelings, memories and images of my father into boxes, locked them up and never opening them again in the future? Or do I acknowledge them and weep a tear everytime when flashes of my father's memories come through my mind. I wish for a day when I can no longer be reminded of my father's memories and images. Perhaps the reason I am having them is guilt; guilt that I could have saved him instead of letting him die. Guilt that I fell asleep instead of staying all night to look after him. Guilt that I dismissed my premonitions and instincts that my father is going to die that night instead of acting on them which could have saved him. Perhaps, when I let go of my guilt and learn to forgive myself, then I can move on.

2 more deaths revealed in the final book of Potter

Oh no, JK Rowling had said on the UK afternoon talk show Richard & Judy that 2 main characters will be killed in the final harry potter book. She was quoted as saying:

"The final chapter is hidden away, although it's now changed very slightly, One character got a reprieve, but I have to say two die that I didn't intend to die."

Let me guess...erm I guess Snape will be the one getting the reprieve. As for the characters who are going to die, I am not going to speculate at the moment but I think Rowling is going to kill Harry. Seriously if it were me, I would not want some other author to continue the stories of Harry like the Star Wars series. I would want the series to end it on my own terms rather than let some author mess up my beloved character. So kudos to her for that...

So far, I loved all the Harry Potter books especially the last one, Half Blood Prince. It kinda saddened me to see the series ending soon in the next yr. She wrote the whole series including the final chapter of the last book even before her first book is published. Imagine that! She has given lots of her time and energy into developing the characters and the storyline. I guess she deserved the title 'Greatest Living British Writer' ever which is voted by the people.

New job

Today, I started another new job instead of working at the Starbucks. Reason? I didn't get too many shifts during the week. Every time I apply for three or more shifts per week, I always get only one. I guess it is due to low business around the area...guess the new Cathay is slowly losing its business...unless more human crowd can come to the place.

Anyway for the new job, I will be working in the office job (yah!). The job is quite easy to do, just help to fax documents, fold letters into envelope and just type some stuff on the computer. The pay is reasonable too, a bit higher than working at Starbucks. However, I will be working there for only abt 1 mth plus since I will be entering the uni soon...

I guess I have found my ideal temp job...working at the office in the air-conditioned room. Also, I get to work with the office girls there too as I am the only temp guy there...one of girls is quite chio...and one of them talks like Patricia Mok! (no offense there...)

DOTA

The game which I enjoyed when I found out about it this year. I am not really a computer game expert as I sucked in my hand co-ordination in multiplayer games like counterstrike. I only like to play strategic-based games like Age of Empires where teamwork and strategy is necessary to win in these kind of games. However, DOTA is a mix between strategy-based and a little hand co-ordination which you can kill heroes.

Let me explain how the game plays...

First, you choose a character either from the Sentinel or from the Scouge. Then you build up your hero by killing creeps (little minions) which will gain you experience and money. With enough money, you can buy items to make your hero more powerful and strong so that you can kill other characters heroes. The game ends when your base is defeated or you successfully kill your opponent's base.

Simple? Yah, it is. However, there is more to this. You need to know which items to buy for each hero character so that the item you buy will not be wasted and useless. And backstabbing is part and parcel of the game…You have sometimes backstab other opponent's hero in order to kill them. However, this may not gain favour with your friends who are playing. I know of someone who hates being backstabbed and would always shout and cursed before quitting the game halfway which is a big no-no...

So I played this game about once or twice a week with my church friends. I think the price of the usage for playing computer games in lan gaming shops is quite high, so I tend to play less and only minimal...

This game helps to booster your confidence and increase your strategical skills. However, some pple take reel to be reality and constantly spoil the mood of the game. They tend to be uptight and agitated and perhaps angry when their teammates are lousy players or noobies and do not know how to play the game well...so they will vent their anger and frustrations on them... relax!! Just treat this as a game and all will be ok...

My New iPod!!!

I got my first iPod!!! It's a 30GB 5th gen video iPod. Yah, after so many years since iPod is launched in 2001 that I am finally financially free to buy this product. When it was first launched, it was so expensive and not very nice. I only like the click wheel, however the iPod is quite bulky (1st gen). Now, it has improved tremendously. Slim sleek design with cool click wheel. And it comes with a click wheel and can play videos too!! my first video mp3 player!!

Why I bought it? Coz i keep losing my mp3 players!! The first one I got was a Philips model but it spoiled after 1 yr and 1mth. It spoiled the first time during warranty period and I got it fixed. However, this model got spoiled after again just as my warranty period ended. Curse myself for bad luck!!

The second mp3 player was Zen Neeon. Quite a good reliable mp3 player. The player again got spoiled during the warranty period b'coz water entered it. I got a new player but then I lost it during clubbing in Jurong sometime in Mar 06. Such bad luck.

Now, I decided to get iPod. Perhaps fate was trying to tell me to choose iPod as my ideal mp3 player. Every player I get, it either gets spoiled or lost within a year. I hope that my iPod can last for more than a year as it is a costly investment...

Only drawback - short battery life for video playing. Only can play abt 2 hrs or most....hope that battery life can be improved when the next iPod comes out...

My iPod taken from my Samsung D600 phone. The above model is from the Apple official Website.

Interview

Interview - the one many of us have to go through to get our dreams like a job or a place in the university.Since I cleared my leave in April, I have been going on the job hunt for a part-time job so that my three months before university will not be wasted. Here are some excerpts of the questions they posed to me.

"Why do you want to work at Starbucks?"

"What do you want to achieve by working here?"

"Is it ok if you are willing to work shift jobs?"

"Any job experience?"

The interview with Starbucks was the most thorough. The interviewer asked a lot of questions which I felt that very exhausted after the interview.

"Describe an experience that you received excellent customer service?" (I sort of cooked up a story - true story but just spiced it up a little)

"Are you willing to work together as a team?" (Er, can you say no?)

"Describe a time where you work together as a team and some conflicts arises. How did you mediate and resolve the conflict?" (I just jibber-jabbered about my project work experience in JC days)

"What if you and your partner had different ideas and how are you going to convince your partners to follow your idea instead of his?" (I really can't remember what I said. Perhaps I think I said that I will compromise and combine two ideas together)

In the end, I got the Starbucks job which I thought I would not be able to get it. Looking back, I think every time I go for an interview, I always have the feeling that I screwed up the interview process and will not be hired...

Then there's one interview which I went to which I didn't even know what is the job I am seeking for.

The interviewer was sitting on the chair while I sat on his sofa.

"So you are looking for a job, is it?"

"Yes. What is the job about?" (kind of stupid question to ask)

"Oh, they send you for training and they pay you around $1k."

"Oh, so what do I have to do?" I suspiciously asked.

"Don't worry. No sales involved. So why do you want to work here?"

"Erm, to get job experience and your place looks vibrant and energetic."

I am not quite sure till now what is the job scope is.

"So what am I working as?"

"Er, we are an advertising company. So we will send you for training where you will work together as a team to brainstorm and solve conflicts. You will learn leadership skills and management skills and we will pay you."

Sounds suspicious. Where on earth does a company give you money to send you for training?

To cut the long story short, I nearly got conned. Luckily my friends went for the same interview and asked him about the jobs. Turns out, they are looking for people to sell charity tickets to raise money for charity as have some commission at the same time.

Wait a minute, isn't that sales? Nope, the interviewer said. You are doing it for charity.

So then, why are we getting a commission for the charity tickets we sold?

I immediately quitted on that day. Luckily I never went for the training courses due to my problem of punctuality. I guess when they mean no sales involved, you have no idea that you might be conned. I have my friends to thank for finding the truth out.

Renewal

Wow, it's been a month since I last posted. What is new now?

• A new different layout (yeah!!)
• A new tagboard which people can post their comments and messages (yeah! yeah!)

How's cool is that? I learnt all this from the Internet, should kudos to the Net where everything is can be learned and enjoyed.

Enjoy the new layout...

Chill